Casey Townsend

Around the mid-70s, legend has it that Plano West and Deep South Mississippi had a baby who, shortly after the OBGYN gently slapped his little back, slightly coughed, opened his new eyes and winked at the delivery nurse followed by giving the entire delivery room a shit-eating grin…and they named him Casey Townsend.

Trying to encapsulate who Casey Townsend is like trying to capture space and time. (It’s also commonly said that after spending time with Casey, you and your liver are going to need some space.) He’s an enigma wrapped in Deep Southern Mississippi roots entangled in a riddle of Plano West aristocracy. It’s like the movie Deliverance collided with downtown Dallas; or boiled possum for the main course complemented with caviar; or a one-armed, toothless crocodile wrestler wearing a Rolex. It just doesn’t go together, yet there’s Casey Townsend standing right in front of you.

Appearances alone can be deceiving. Mr. Townsend is neither tall nor short, athletic nor clumsy, overly good-looking nor frighteningly ugly. Until he talks, you might not even know he’s there. But don’t underestimate this book by its cover. Casey Townsend is drenched in sneaky charm on a level that should’ve drowned him long ago. He’s the guy who falls into a pile of manure and comes out smelling like a rose. He’s the guy who’s three steps ahead of everyone else but never lets on to knowing anything. He’s sober when everyone else is overserved and overserved when everyone else is sober. Like a magician with something always up his sleeve, Townsend has an angle or a slight of hand in all situations. He innately talks in double entendres without knowing the meaning of double entendre. He’s completely aware in the most precarious, socially exaggerated circumstances—especially when there’s gambling involved and the rest of us are in need of an Uber.

When Mr. Townsend speaks, people listen. Not because we want to, but because we have to pay very close attention to translate his distinctive redneck. Scholars maintain Townsend’s unique heritage is why his dialect can most aptly be described as a whiskey-soaked, raspy blend of 30% Matthew McConaughey and 70% of that denim overall-wearing, deep Cajun character who incoherently repeats “Home is where you make it…Damn Boi” while assisting Joe Dirt in his journey to find his parents in the 2001 Happy Madison Production, Joe Dirt.

When attending dignified social gatherings, invitations which are rarely extended to Mr. Townsend, Casey is typically treated as Kathy Bates’ character in Titanic: possessed with an inelegantly repulsive vernacular, annoyingly charismatic despite questionable manners, and audaciously rich enough to belong there to the astonishment and provocation of most in attendance. Like Bates’ character, Townsend, as A Man of Good Character, and considering his humble Mississippi beginnings, would’ve likely related to and helped Leonardo DiCaprio’s lower-cabin character. However, unlike Kathy Bates’ character, those who know him best would attest that when the ship went down, Townsend would’ve most certainly survived, likely stolen the redhead from Leo only to break her heart a couple of weeks later, and absolutely would’ve accidentally ended up with the big blue diamond—telling no one, because to him it was just another Tuesday.

If you’ve never met Casey Townsend, it’s not difficult to find a mirror image. The Housing Committee has recently and very confidentially learned, at the time of this biography's release, that Brother Townsend, while living in Midland, Texas, was inconspicuously retained as an advisor to Taylor Sheridan during the creation of the Paramount+ television series, Landman. After only a few days of collaboration, Sheridan revised his original script and based his main character almost entirely on Casey Townsend. Only then did Landman cast Billy Bob Thornton to mimic Brother Townsend in personality, demeanor, dress, hygiene, diet, personal habits, speech inflections (albeit less Cajun), colorful language, lifestyle, vices, industry, negotiation tactics, wit, vehicle, inexplicable hot wife (Townsend’s is less crazy—love you, Bri), and general outlook on life. Not to mention that, from the backside, both Townsend and Thornton look like a frog standing up. Unfortunately for the Housing Committee and the future of Epsilon Nu, Mr. Townsend chose to become a limited part of Mr. Sheridan’s entourage as payment in lieu of royalties, which would’ve more than paid for a new lodge.

Most readers will be surprised to learn that Casey’s distinctive Epsilon Nu pledgeship experience also influenced Taylor Sheridan’s development of Billy Bob Thornton’s character’s background story in the oil industry. (Spoiler alert.) In Landman, Thornton’s character previously worked his way up in the oil business and was on the brink of tremendous success, only to lose everything overnight. Casey Townsend pledged in the fall of 1993, which, in the annals of Sigma Chi, is indisputably the strongest pledge class Epsilon Nu has ever known. By most accounts, Sigma Chi Pledge #38, Casey Townsend, was a good pledge brother. He worked hard, got all of his required signatures, never missed his turn to reserve the subtable, passed all of the written and verbal requirements, and earned an invitation to hell week, which would eventually lead to initiation.

But that chilly January, while the lodge was unrelentingly shrieking “Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto” by the famed ‘80s American rock band Styx, Townsend wasn’t there. No one knows what happened for sure, but Townsend wasn’t initiated with that iconic 1993 pledge class led by Epsilon Nu Magister of the Century, Matt Shaw, and appointed pledge staff members: starting A-team quarterback and sorority slayer Todd Murphy, and B-team flag football reserve Aaron Payne, respectively.

Like Billy Bob Thornton, Townsend didn’t give up and got back in the game. The following fall of 1995, Townsend charmed his way through Rush to earn his second bid from Epsilon Nu, fought his way through pledgeship, hell week, and eventually was initiated—albeit with a notably lesser quality group of pledge brothers. At the time of this biography's release, we don’t know what will eventually happen to Billy Bob Thornton’s character or the final outcome of Landman—but it’s not a stretch to believe that, like Casey’s pledgeship, it may take more than one opportunity to reach the final destination—but he’ll eventually get there.

Following the recent “old dad” trend inspired by former early 90’s Consul, Matthew Breckbill, Townsend, at age 50, has two boys: Jack, age 5, and Tate, age 3.

Lord help us.

Stewarding these young boys, and frankly their only hope, Mr. Townsend also has a beautiful and fantastically charming wife, Bri Townsend, who—like Melissa Lee Gatlin, Toni Lawrence, Cynda Williams, Pietra Dawn Cherniak, Angelina Jolie, and Connie Angland—clearly has judgment issues when it comes to men. Without consideration to being a spectacular mother to the two young little Townsends, one might argue Bri’s greatest quality is as a wholeheartedly hospitable and welcoming entertainer to all Sigma Chis. If you’re visiting Lubbock Bri Townsend would love to host you. As adamantly professed to the Housing Board, the Townsends prefer if you just show up on their doorstep unannounced with no place to stay. “The later, the better,” according to Bri. Please email the Housing Board for their home address if ever you’re in need of a place to stay in Lubbock.